I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
