A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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