Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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