neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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