I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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