Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
