Who wears a wallet chain?!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
