When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
