I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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