My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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