how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
