the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
