Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
