I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
