let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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