My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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