If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
