Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize