i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
