walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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