I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
