Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
