She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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