In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
