farters have to be the big spoon...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
