The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize