I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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