So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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