even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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