I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
