If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
