I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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