i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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