Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
