thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Randomize
