If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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