okay pat passed out under dana's car
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
