just tell him i said nine months
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
