Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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