Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
