Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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