I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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