I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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