My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
