All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
