you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize