Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
