have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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