Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
