Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
