Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
