Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
