that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
