I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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