It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I know her cup size but not her name....
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