I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
