No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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