you guys were way drunker than both of me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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