I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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