I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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