I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
