I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
