Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
