Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
