Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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