My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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