They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
