I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
